I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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