her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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