Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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