I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
