Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
