my phone needs a breathalizer
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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