He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
