I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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