Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
