Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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