I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Even my vagina gasped.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
