I think I died a long time ago.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Randomize