And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
