she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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