sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize