There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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