I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
