he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
