the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
