She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
