hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Randomize
