He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
