You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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