There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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