I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
