The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
