quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize