Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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