I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
