They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
