we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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