dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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