My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
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