I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
