Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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