I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
