Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
