and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
