Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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