I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Found your dick twin last night
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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