The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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