Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
