bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
