party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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