I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
