In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
