my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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