If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
