So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
