whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
