Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
True strength comes from lack of pants
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
