Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
