everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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