Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
God, I missed his penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
