mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
